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Donít say it

This will sound weird, but I was just thinking about how Cosmopolitan has probably chronicled more quasi-scientific information on the penis than any publication in history. Just think about how many articles theyíve done in the past, then extrude that figure another five or ten years into the future. It boggles the mind. Soon, mankind will be so well equipped with penis knowledge that no penis will be beyond our reach.

Immediately upon reaching this epiphany, I realized the inherent paradox: Cosmo may soon run out of new things to say. Arenít there, in theory, a finite number of things one can do to a penis? And while there are probably an uncountably large number of stories about or involving the penis that one might relate, Cosmo has surely, by this point, exhausted most of the genres at the very least.

Given that Cosmo, as a magazine of exceptional journalistic integrity, wishes to provide you, the consumer, with only the highest quality and most factual penis updates every month, wouldnít they make absolutely certain that they donít offer contradictory information every issue? By now, cross-referenced penis-fact checking has got to be a full-time job for three lucky interns. Worse still, the head editor carries on her shoulders the terrible burden of accuracy. The point of all this is that cutting-edge penis reporting of the caliber in the pages of Cosmo must represent a tremendous tax on their time and energy. Iím betting they canít keep it up any longer than another three years.

Of course, in the same fell swoop theyíll begin the new chastity movement.

Listen, I know what youíre thinking, so just keep it inside. In any case, this is just to cheer up Michele. Feel better, Mich.
Bonus! Find every double entendre, thinly veiled allusion, and downright metaphor and get an indeterminate, but nonetheless special, prize.

Posted in Musings.

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