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Make up your mind, Nature

“Hmm, that rain’s falling awfully slowly… wait a damn minute, is it snowing in the middle of March?” In Seattle, March has come in like a lion made of liquid nitrogen that also wields a deadly frost gun, I don’t know what kind. It was bitterly cold today; I’m talking testicle-retracting, nipple-extruding cold; cold that comes suddenly and without warning, yanks your pants down to your ankles, and swirls giddily about your private parts while whispering insulting phrases.

Look, Nature, I’m not asking for perfection, but what’s your problem? First you give us a tepid, lackluster pseudo-winter, then dangle sunny Spring afternoons in front of noses before snatching them away like a petulant child. Now you slam us with hail and sub-freezing temperatures mere days before the equinox. Seriously, what the fuck? Were you just using sunshine and blue skies to lure us out in the open wearing whimsical short pants and halter tops to make the sting of freezing rain even more miserable? I don’t know what kind of fucked-up relationship you got out of before me, maybe they’re to blame for your irrational, bipolar displays. I’m just asking that you quit taking it out on me personally; if you want to fling torrents of rain and sleet and snow and wind at certain ex-girlfriends, I wouldn’t say anything.

Listen: I don’t know who you think you’re dealing with here, but I’m through playing, Nature. Effective immediately, I’m taking you hostage. If the mercury doesn’t reach the mid-sixties by the 15th, I’ll release one can of CFC-laden hairspray into the air outside Rite-Aid each day. If this month doesn’t go out like a very well done lamb, you can kiss your darling ozone goodbye. I’m no one to be trifled with; consider this your final warning.

Posted in Musings.

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