I’m helping

Do you have trouble making trivial decisions in your everyday life? Have a hard time knowing when to go vegan? What kind of dressing to splash on your salad? What to do about that itchy sensation in your “bathing suit area?” Just give me a call, and I’ll take care of all the guesswork. In the process, of course, I’ll strip you of your free will exactly as if I were peeling a banana. But it’s worth it! Just ask today’s satisfied customers!

Naomi V.: Should I take a shower before I go to work?
Well, Naomi, knowing when to shower, especially when one is unaccustomed to doing so or completely unfamiliar with the trappings of Western society, can be a daunting task. I generally go by the sniff test, which is relatively simple to administer (and almost painless). Simply raise your left arm above your head, turn your head to the left, and breathe in deeply through your nose. Then repeat for the right arm. Did you pass out? If so, proceed directly to the shower. If not, grade the stink on a scale of one to ten, one being “a spring morning after a rain” and ten being “eight dead hobos in a dumpster in a back alley when it’s hot out”. If you rate yourself at less than a four, a shower is strictly unnecessary. Four to six is a judgment call for most people, mostly depending on the occasion – an afternoon at the park, or a black-tie affair? – but since you’re uncomfortable making decisions you should err on the side of safety. Seven and above merit a wash cycle no matter where you’re going. Good luck!

Lisa C.: Should I go salsa dancing tonight?
I’m glad you asked, Lisa. Before making a decision of this importance, it’s vital to weigh the pros and cons. For example. Pro: you get to dress up. Con: your fancy dress will be soaked in sweat by the end of the evening, most of it not your own. Pro: men will buy you drinks. Con: many of them will be unattractive. Pro: you get to exercise your knowledge of “dancing”. Con: someone may point and laugh at you, like in that episode of Seinfield. As you can see, Lisa, dancing is no game. Fortunately, after enough unattractive men buy you shots of hard liquor, all the cons in the world will melt away with your ability to operate a motor vehicle. By all means, do not step onto the dance floor until after the third.

Incidentally, the answers to the questions in the first paragraph are: “never, never, never”; “Italian”; and “just go with it.”